I want to dig into the conversation that’s been going around regarding what’s expected from teachers now a days. I have seen very passionate articles and heard conversations that go something like, “parents aren’t pulling their weight” or “teachers shouldn’t be co-parents”. I get the outpour of frustration that stems from these statements, but I’m going to invite you to step back from whatever frame you have about parents not being parent enough and teachers being expected to be too much of a parent, and entertain a different perspective for the next several minutes.
I will be honest and say that this conversation fuels a passion inside of me, because I have a lot of experience working in the school systems with teachers, students and parents. I also have a lot of clinical experience with parents, children and teens, as a therapist, and years of “in the field” or “community work”, as a social worker. So, I come to you with passion but also, perhaps, a more holistic perspective than others you have read.
Teachers Vs. Parents?
I argue against the concept that teachers need only teach academics and parents need to teach everything else. This is not a teachers versus parents perspective. I argue against this concept out of respect and love for my teacher family, friends and fellow community members. To say that teachers aren’t responsible for supporting the social and emotional development of our children is a gross under-valuing of how meaningful their presence is in our children’s lives.
Teachers intentionally position themselves in front of children so that they can be role models. They choose teaching because they care about the well-being and future of children. On any given day a teacher could be a role model for hundreds of students, depending on the size of their school building. Teacher influence on children is significant and POWERFUL.
What teachers demonstrate to our children has the power to affect their whole being, simply because children ARE whole beings, and they do not stop being whole beings just because they step into a classroom. In fact, children are developing their social and emotional self throughout their childhood years, which makes the interactions with adults in their lives incredibly important for their social and emotional development.
Kids Keep Learning- In ALL Environments
Kids learn socially and emotionally through experience- through their interactions with teachers, with other students in the school and classroom, and through activities that they practice on a day in and day out basis there. Of course, they learn socially and emotionally at home through interactions and conversations with their parents, but they don’t stop learning once they step away from their parents. They keep learning through their experiences, and kids have a ton of social and emotional experiences at school (think of test stress, peer pressure, puberty and social media gossip turned bathroom stall talk)
The best teachers I have ever met, get that kids keep learning. They get that kids engage socially and emotionally in the school setting, and are faced with difficult social and emotional challenges within the school setting as well. They know that they, as teachers, possess this great power and position in the lives of children, and they capitalize on it by engaging with each child in the way they see that child needs it- whether it’s as an emotional engagement, a social support, or an academic challenge.
Let me give you a few examples of a teachers power and life reach.
My daughter had a sleepover with a few friends one weekend. It was getting late and I asked them to clean up the mess that they made. I walked away. My daughter proceeded to clean up, but her friends continued to play. I found out later that her friends got upset with her for following my directions, because they wanted her to play with them. My daughter told me that she said “(Our teacher) always says to leave a place better than you left it”. One of her friends gave the eye roll and was like “are you really quoting a teacher?” Of course that caused my daughter to feel bad, but she did not waiver and she continued to do what she was asked even when her friends did not.
Eventually I noticed there was a disconnect with the group and I reminded all of them that they all made the mess so they all needed to help clean it up. After her sleep over, I intentionally talked with her, and she was able to share her thoughts and feelings with me. That’s when I learned about the teacher quote she used and her friends response to her actions. I was so proud of her. Because of the relationship I work to develop with my daughter to socially and emotionally support her, she was able to talk to me.
The social and emotional lessons she learned from her teacher at school helped guide her. It wasn’t just the words she quoted, but the courageous actions of standing up as ONE, even when others were doing something different. Her teacher reinforced what I taught her, and that strengthened the message for her. She has an arsenal of parent and teacher lessons to reference as she navigates the social and emotional challenge of a 9 year old girl. She will continue to build on these skills that BOTH the teacher and I have set a foundation for.
On the flip side, when my daughter was in kindergarten at a different school, she had a teacher who constantly yelled, intentionally called kids out, and rarely ever demonstrated appropriate social and emotional interventions. She did not engage with the kids on a personal or developmentally appropriate level about their thoughts or feelings. There were changes happening at home that year, as my husband and I had just moved, I switched jobs, and we were preparing for our wedding.
My daughter had a horrific year that year and she struggled with anxiety on a daily basis. She has ADHD, but the teacher paid no mind to that, which caused her to feel worse. She began brand new behaviors in school, like cutting her pant legs and pouring glue on herself. Did home changes contribute to her anxiety? Likely, yes. Did they cause the in-school behaviors that she was displaying? In her case, likely no. They weren’t like her at all. That teacher had the opportunity to be a stable comfort in her life during her school day. She did not seize that opportunity and it was evident in its impact on my daughter’s social and emotional well-being at the time. That teacher is retired now, but even years later, if my daughter sees this teacher out and about in the community, she feels the anxiety in her bones and hides so that she won’t be seen by her. The lack of engaging with and teaching my child as a whole being, impacted her deeply, which impacted my family greatly as well.
Teaching kids socially and emotionally is often less about direct instruction, and more about how you view, interact with and model to them. Sometimes, though, it can be through direct instruction, such as with art, activities or a personal narrative.
Here’s another example of a teacher’s influence.
As a high achieving teen who was gifted and did well in school. No one knew this teen was bulimic, self-harming, anxious and depressed. She hid it well by staying busy and striving to please others. One day she had a writing assignment which was personal in nature, and she wrote about how she saw herself as ugly, fat and so on. The teacher wrote her a note on that assignment, and told her how beautiful and gifted of a person she was. That teen was so touched by that note, that even decades later, she recalled that note and it made her smile each time. She stayed in contact with that teacher over the years, and introduced her to her children, her husband, and shared her accomplishments with her. She remembered how that teacher made her feel cared for, welcomed and wanted, more than she remembered any other part of what was taught in that class.
What about parents who aren’t doing it all at home?
Okay, so maybe you’re on the same page with me about teachers having an influence on the social and emotional well being of children, but your mind is going to a place of “But what about those kids whose parents don’t seem to even try?”
Well, my simple response to this is, those kids need the social and emotional support even more. They need meaningful and positive social and emotional engagement with their teachers to help fill the gaps, because teachers (and all of us) are adults within their community and they are children. Because their parents are struggling and no amount of shame and blame is going to make that better.
But you know what does help a parent who is struggling to open up to possibilities of different behavior? Meaningful and positive engagement. Shame and blame results in defensiveness. Teachers and parents wind up playing against one another instead of working together in the best interest of the child. The common goal of wanting to help the child grow and learn well gets lost amidst the shame, blame and defensiveness among the adults.
“Okay, fine, so engage with parents differently, but what if that doesn’t work, then are teachers expected to just be the parent?” No, no one can replace the parent. There is a special place in the heart of children that is reserved for their parent/parents. It’s not a battle between parent and teacher. It’s a shared goal to help raise self-sufficient, caring, compassionate, and civilized individuals for the betterment of all of our community. There are and will be parents who are limited in certain areas. Expect imperfection and prepare to compensate in the best interest of the child, when and where you can, if you can. This extends beyond teachers, this is a plea for all adults in the community who possess the opportunity to influence our children. Shame and blame doesn’t work, stop trying to use it. Connect and engage.
EXPECT IMPERFECTION AND FAILURE
Let’s be honest- we all know that we aren’t perfect, right? There are some things that I’m better at as a parent and things that I’m worse at as a patent, if I’m compared to the next parent in line. This applies to all of us and it speaks to another essential reason teachers are such important influencers. At one point, a teacher will get a student whose parent is great at supporting with practical stuff, like helping with homework or setting reminders and staying organized, yet struggles with managing and responding to emotions. They are trying hard, but the area of emotion is hard for them due to their own life history and innate strengths and weaknesses. They may unintentionally wind up emotionally shutting their child out. Even though they’re using the skills and knowledge they have to parent, their child needs to learn from other influential models in their lives to build strong emotion regulation skills.
Parents are still human. Expect them to be imperfect. Teachers are human too, and so they’ll mess up sometimes. The point is that they are all on a team and when they work together, each of them and the children are better off.
It’s not just teachers!
The most influential teachers I know are the ones who intentionally connect with their students, especially when they notice there’s a unique need. That comes not just with the job of being a teacher but with being a part of a community that we want to see grow and thrive. Community members need to support one another. As an adult who is a role model to children, this makes sense doesn’t it?
Let’s try to generally apply my argument to our own lives. As an adult it doesn’t feel good when other people don’t consider that we are social and emotional beings, does it? Like going to the doctor who has no bedside manner, or talking to a customer service representative who is condescending to you. Have you ever worked for a boss that treats you as if nothing outside of work matters? It’s as if you are required to produce work without being impacted by any social or emotional influences? Those kinds of bosses do exist. But working with them doesn’t feel good does it? You feel like you’re treated as less than human, you’re likely unhappy in the working environment and your growth and creativity are stunted because you feel like you’re treated like some kind of work machine instead of a whole person. I mean I’ve been there. It wasn’t a healthy situation and the health of my head, heart and body all were impacted by the pure anxiety I felt from the crappy work environment. Thankfully, I was able to leave and find something different, but kids don’t get that choice. They have to stay.
Here’s the real issue.
Don’t get me wrong, I do agree that there is an issue. Our teachers ARE stressed out and overworked. There ARE expectations that present themselves that fall out of their traditional teacher scope. They ARE undervalued and pressured to achieve the unachievable. BUT NONE OF THESE THINGS IS BECAUSE THEY ARE EXPECTED TO VIEW AND TREAT A CHILD AS A WHOLE CHILD AND NOT JUST AN ACADEMIC STUDENT.
The real issues are systemic. Our system is set up to place academic pressures on teachers for political, financial and liability reasons. When unrealistic expectations are pushed down on teachers as if THEY are working machines and NOT whole beings, it causes pressure and sets unrealistic expectations. Let’s not do the same to our children.
Learning and creativity happen much more readily when environments are rich in awareness and supportive of our social, emotional, and mental human wholeness. At the adult level, think of what impacts your feeling valued, your desire to be open and engaged and when you feel most comfortable stepping out of your boundaries. Think salary, maternity/paternity leave, mental health benefits, support or lack thereof after the loss of a loved one, medical illness, supplementary benefits, handicap accommodations, colleagues talking instead of yelling, bosses including you in conversation instead of belittling, feeling secure enough in your job to actually take a needed vacation, etc.
Here’s the reality.
Realistically, there are limitations that we all have, and that includes teachers and all school personnel. Schools can’t do everything. It is not realistic to expect them to do everything. BUT, viewing, engaging with and teaching our children holistically, is not doing everything. Filling gaps that are noticed for kids when its within our means to do so, isn’t doing everything. Teaching kindness, racial injustice, respect, digital citizenship, etc. isn’t doing everything. Is it a lot? Yes! Is it important? Yes! Do our teachers need adequate support to meet children’s needs? Absolutely!
We as adults, and especially those who choose professions to work directly with children, must acknowledge that we have to use our humanness to interact with and support the humanness of developing and impressionable beings. They are watching us day in and day out.
A student is more than just a student. They are a whole child with social, emotional, mental, and spiritual facets that are NOT mutually exclusive. Kids and our community would be worse off if we didn’t have teachers who cared enough to realize that they can’t adequately teach academics without including the social and emotional components.
As a school social worker, there have been many times when I wanted to be able to do more, but I could not. My hands were tied and my limits within the school setting were reached. I have felt frustrated, disappointed, sad, and discouraged. I suspect I will continue to feel so, sometimes. But I have had the privilege of working with so many families and school staff, that I know that it’s not an individual issue. It’s a systemic one.
Parents who are struggling are often struggling because of a system that’s stacked against them, or has otherwise failed to adequately support them holistically. The system extends way beyond the school setting, but it directly impacts the schools and everyone else. My outrage is with a broken system- a system that we need a community to work together to address and change.
So… Teachers out there- you’re awesome. You do hard, meaningful work and I hope you know how much power of influence you possess. I appreciate you and all of your efforts. And to all you parents out there, I know life has treated all of us a bit differently. You were and are impacted by your circumstances, just as we all are. You’ve got strengths and weaknesses like the rest of us. Your role as parent is hard. It’s a precious responsibility that no one else can fully replicate. Keep doing and trying your best, and know that there are people in your community who do want to see your child grow and succeed. They are on your child’s team.
Note- No stories shared in this article are reflective of any current or former clients nor were any stories shared without the consent of the individual of whom they were about.
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