Top 6 Principles of Parenting

Parenting is the most challenging and most rewarding role there is. Okay, so I am biased. I have been helping well-intentioned, loving, yet struggling parents for many years, and I am a parent myself. While your role as parent will change over the course of your child’s life, parenting is a forever thing. It is vulnerable. It requires dedication and authority, as well as flexibility and self-reflection. Incorporating essential parenting principles early on will impact the relationship that you maintain with your child across their lifetime, and the lessons they learn will impact who and how they are as human citizens.

There are so many oxymorons that could be used to describe what it is like to parent. Things are rarely cut and dry. There is a lot of grey, a lot of confusion and plenty of mistakes made. But generally, I have found that parents just want and try to do their best. They want to be their best self and the best parent they can be. This is easier said than done, right?

Many parents turn to the internet or another trusted source in their life, to answer parenting questions and to figure out how to manage parenting stressors. You’re here reading this because you care so much about your child that you are open to receiving new information, and you are hopeful that this information is of quality. Many of you may be here because you feel like you have tried nearly everything and there are still parenting issues you are struggling with. Why don’t I feel good enough? Why do I keep yelling? Why is my child not behaving? What am I supposed to do?!

Checking resources is great, but sometimes the problem becomes the amount of resources and information that well-intentioned parents wind up having to shuffle through. “Is this article good, or is this article good? They contradict each other! Ugh, how am I supposed to know?” When parents take in too much information, they feel overwhelmed and as a result, often feel unproductive or more stressed out. “Uh, what is the right thing to do?” and “How do I do it?” I get it. It’s not easy.

I am offering the TOP 6 MOST ESSENTIAL PARENTING PRINCIPLES to know and incorporate, regardless of what other parenting practices you adhere to. These parenting principles are key to: feeling more connected with your child, less stressed, and more effective in influencing behavioral changes.

1. Focus on the relationship before the behavior.

Isn’t it super tempting to focus only on the behavior that is driving you crazy? It’s tempting, but it’s not helpful. The reality is that behavior doesn’t happen in a vacuum. By focusing only on the behavior a sense of tunnel vision is created and that prevents parents from understanding the behavior in a wider context. This is important because it results in parents reacting emotionally, instead of responding with rational intentionality.

Children learn through their interactions with us. Below is a glimpse at how some parenting techniques that are aimed at impacting the behavior in the short term, can actually backfire and negatively impact the child in the long-run.

2. Be a detective. Know that all behavior has a function- including your child’s.

It’s our job as parents to try to figure out what is leading to the undesired behavior and why. When we do not, we miss out on the opportunity to learn more about our child’s needs, and to teach them meaningful ways to handle what is hard for them. These lessons are important life lessons that impact children’s ability to create and maintain relationships and boundaries and work ethic and problem solving, and… so on and so forth.

All behaviors have a function. What I mean is that your child is behaving the way they are because they are trying to get a need met. At the moment, they simply are not able to ask for help getting that need met in a direct and effective manner. One major way they learn how to get needs met is based on their interaction with the close adults in their lives. Young children often do not even know what the need that they are struggling to meet is, which makes communicating even more difficult.

Children are limited by their developmental stage. Their logical thinking brains are not developed like our adult brains. Their life experience is less than a typical adults life experience. They need us adults to use our knowledge, experience and logical thinking brain, to compensate for what they do not yet have. They are not capable of figuring it all out on their own.

Children’s emotional brains are large and in charge, so it makes sense when their emotionality takes over. At these times, we need to tune into our developed logical thinking brain, NOT our emotional brain! Matching emotionality with emotionality leads to intense and often unnecessary and unhelpful reactions.

Being a good detective requires stepping back. Step back (Mentally, Physically & Emotionally)- do not personalize everything your child does or says. Your child’s behavior is not aimed to attack you, to make you feel bad, or to ruin your year. Your child is behaving in a particular way because they have a need that they do not know how to meet on their own, at that time. You’re their helper, their teacher, their guide. They need you to support, teach and guide.

Sometimes, when you step back to investigate, it is easy to see that the unmet need is hunger, fear, sleepiness, illness or confusion. Sometimes, though, it is hard for even us adults to figure out exactly what the unmet need is. Simply start out by observing your child’s behavior and thinking about how your child is feeling. Recognize how they may be feeling and why (or for more verbal kids, asking them how they’re feeling), based on their perspective, not yours. This validates the difficulty of their personal experience which reduces defensiveness, allowing them to feel safer about hearing what you have to say. Not validating their feelings sends the message that how they feel doesn’t matter and exacerbates the intensity of the emotions they are already struggling with. When this message is sent, it sets a precedence that they can’t safely connect with you, which becomes even more important as they age and the consequences of their decisions grow larger.

3. Be clear, specific and consistent.

Children are amazing. They are sponges that seem to soak up so much of their surrounding environment. They amaze us all of the time, don’t they? Despite their resilience, strength and learning ability, those limitations discussed in #2 still exist. Given these limitations children look to us and the rest of their surrounding environment to teach them.

There are a lot of things in our environment that we can’t control, like the weather or the behavior of colleagues. There are even more things that children can’t control- like having to go to school, or the store with mom, or an event with dad, or to the babysitters. In order to manage the uncontrollables of life, kids need to experience consistency in their interactions with their parents. This consistency sets the foundation for a safe and secure foundation from which they can build and feel stable as they grow up and venture through life.

So, what do I mean by consistent? Being consistent does not mean making sure nothing unpredictable ever happens in your child’s life. That is actually harmful, because your children need to know how to handle stress. When I say consistent, I am referring to how you engage and communicate with your child on an ongoing basis.

Parenting consistency includes clarity and specificity. If I consistently tell my children to clean their rooms, but they are unclear on what that entails, then I am not communicating effectively. Getting upset with them for not doing something they are unclear about only sets us up for frustration and disappointment. If I consistently do this, then I am consistently setting us up for negative interactions. I am not being clear or specific.

When placing expectations on your child, make them consistent, clear and specific. Instead of “clean your room”, give age appropriate directions. For a 4-year old, you may say “Jason, put your legos in the lego box” for a 9-year old, you may say “Gina, fold your clean clothes and place them in their drawers. Remember, pants go with pants, shirts with shirts, and underwear with underwear”. Children are much more likely to successfully achieve expectations when they are clear on exactly what they are, AND when they feel safe enough to ask for help or to mess up with compassionate redemption. Children feel good when they do good, and you feel less frustrated about not having to repeat yourself over and over again.

Children build a sense of self-efficacy and confidence when they accomplish tasks and receive praise for their efforts. By communicating expectations clearly and specifically, children learn better and parents stress less.

Being consistently clear and specific in expectation setting creates more opportunity for positive connections with your child.

4. Practice Compassion!

Being a parent is hard. You will constantly be challenged to step outside of your comfort zone. Your kids will make mistakes and so will you. You will not always parent with grace. Appreciate the times when you do, and learn from the times when you don’t. If you stay stuck in the ruts that can and will happen as you balance parenthood with your other roles and responsibilities, you will not move, you will not grow, and you will not be the parent you’d hoped to be.

Do not be scared to apologize to your children when you make a mistake that impacts them. The power of repair after a relational rupture is stronger than any words can express. This teaches your child a life lesson that simply can’t be taught through a video game or book.

Give yourself permission to be good enough. Do not strive for perfection, because you will always fall short. Strive to do better. Practice towards progress. Let go of the idea of the perfect parent. It does not exist.

5. Remind yourself to keep the true goal of parenting in mind.

Obedience is not the goal of parenting. It truly is not. Cooperation is important when children are young. We need to keep them safe and healthy, so cooperation is necessary for that. However, we are raising generations of amazingly adaptable and capable humans. We want them to ask questions. We want them to be able to solve problems that others have yet to solve. We need them to NOT simply be obedient.

The goal of parenthood is two fold: 1) To raise well adjusted, self sufficient adults who can maintain healthy relationships, use problem solving skills, and manage life stressors effectively. 2) for parents and children alike, to enjoy and appreciate the life journey to its fullest, as much as is possible.

6. Hold yourself accountable.

Okay, so being a parent means holding your kid accountable, right? Yes, yes it does. Children need to learn realistic accountability. However, it is incredibly important that you as a parent also hold yourself accountable. I recommend you hold yourself accountable to these parenting principles.

At the end of the day… parenting is not about forcing a desired behavior; it can’t be all about the immediate and short-term. Parenting is about connecting with your child meaningfully, so that the modeling and teaching of life-skills is most effectively understood, practiced and incorporated into your child’s daily life as your child grows. When we as parents feel more connected, we do better, feel better and live better all around. The same is true for our children.

In my private practice, Authentically Me Psychotherapy, parents come in stressed about a variety of social, emotional and behavioral concerns. Individualized treatment plans are created to meet each family’s unique strengths, needs and circumstance. I know there are struggling parents beyond just those I get the chance to work with, I decided to create a parenting essentials series for the month of February. Each week I will release new information to support parents. I hope you enjoyed this first release: Top 6 Parenting Principles!

I am a trauma-informed therapist and it is important to note that a history of trauma, for either a parent or a child, can have a profound impact on the brain and overall social, emotional and behavioral function. If this is the case for your family, please connect with a qualified trauma therapist such as myself or another therapist who may be a good fit for you in your area.

Still have questions? Need more guidance? No problem, that’s what I do. Call for a free phone consult at (215) 437-3414, email at mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com, or book online for an initial intake appointment at authenticallymepsychotherapy.com.