Logically you know.
Yet, emotionally you are tirelessly cycling.
Mentally you are overwhelmed.
Circumstantially you are challenged.

You’re stuck.

I’ve lost count of how many people over the years, myself included, who’ve said that they’re stuck. The stress of life has created a stuckness from which they can’t seem to escape. Like quicksand, the more they try, the deeper they sink and the more stuck they feel.

It’s frustrating isn’t it- that stuck feeling? Often times you know what needs to happen logically, but you just can’t seem to get it in place, to make it work,to make it stick, to force the switch…

Other times you’ve been fighting with the quick sand for so long that all that’s left is the self-preserving fight or flight response. Logic has flown so far out the window that you are at a loss for what’s logical too.

Stuckness happens when your circumstance is given the power to dictate your levels of happiness, measure your self worth, and judge your success.

These outside variables (your circumstances) aren’t meant to actually do these things though. They don’t inherently have the power to dictate your happiness, to determine your levels of success, or to be the barometer of your self worth. And, yet, your circumstances have become those determining things.

How? Well, this happens because you believe it. Once you buy into the messages that this is all true, you believe it and so it becomes your reality. It becomes your reality because it’s the lens you’re looking through as you perceive what’s happening. That lens affects how you then make meaning out of what you’re seeing, doing, and being.

At some point, you decided to afford your circumstances power to dictate your happiness, measure your worth and determine your success. When that happened, you also allowed others judgements of your circumstances to be an indicator and determining factor of your happiness, worth and success.

As an ambitious minority and female, I always had high aspirations. My goals were never limited to just work, just home, just financial or just anything really. Nope. I was going to break the mold and excel in it all! To me, my measurable goal achievements in all of these areas were what would determine my happiness, my worth and my level of success. What happened was that once I achieved nearly all of my lofty goals in life, I was faced with an unfulfilled emptiness and confusion. I wasn’t happier. I didn’t feel my self worth was increased because of my goal accomplishments. I didn’t feel successful.

This happened because, somewhere along my journey (which for me was during my childhood), I chose to believe that my happiness, worth and success weren’t inherent. They weren’t things that I could determine. Rather, others needed to determine them for me, so I would know I’m loved and accepted by them. Clearly others would need to determine these things by something they could see- like my external accomplishments.

I bought into unhelpful thoughts like “Work harder. Give more. Then you’ll be accepted. Then you’ll be good enough” were accurate. These thoughts had me believe that others judgements determined my worth and success which of course controls my happiness, right?

These thoughts did not serve me.

I gave my power away without even realizing it.

So I felt powerless.

I grabbed for my power back, but it didn’t work because I was still looking outside instead of in.

Stuckness happens when you look to the outside stuff to fulfill the inside stuff.

To get unstuck, that has to be switched. You have to look inside.

You may logically know lots of things.
Yet, you need to check in with your feelings.
Focus on the thoughts that serve you.
Allow circumstances to be circumstances- not your judge and jury.

Then, you yourself can choose happiness, accept and believe in your own worth, and define your own success.

You can get unstuck!

If you’d like further support with navigating how to get unstuck and effectively implement habits that will serve you, connect with Dr. Toni using any of the below:

For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com

For transformational life coaching: www.drtonicoaches.com

***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.

As a child, I felt so discouraged when things weren’t fair. Like a broken record, my mom would say to me “Toni, life isn’t fair”. It made my blood boil. As a kid, what I heard was “Whatever Toni. I don’t care, just get over it.” I felt silenced, I felt injustice, I felt resentful. I did not understand how she could so nonchalantly accept the unfairness of life. I was determined I was going to do something about the “unfairness” in life.

Young me had much learning to do, of course. It took me decades and loads of intense experiences to learn more about the important lesson behind the saying, “Life isn’t fair”.

You see, I grew up feeling like I was on the fringes. I didn’t fit into any socially categorized box. I was raised by pastors, and was therefore exposed to both frustrating hypocrisies and expected servitude and martyrdom. 

I grew to believe that I was not deserving “as is”. My perception led me to believe that I could become deserving by serving others selflessly, because that would be “fair” for me and for them. I believed that if I always did for others, and worked really hard to do my best in everything, then it would be fair for others to notice that, and accept me as “deserving” or “good enough”. If I worked really hard, gave a whole lot, and was accepted as enough, then I would be happy and successful and the world would be a better place because I helped a lot of people.

It made sense to me that this would be fair. Fairness indicated deserving-ness in my eyes. I wanted to feel deserving, so I wanted to create fairness. When that didn’t happen, I questioned my deserving-ness and got stuck.

Heavy stuff for a kid, huh? This is what kids do though, they create stories to try to make sense of the world around them, and when there are gaps in understanding, they use what they’ve got to fill those gaps. So, that’s what I did.

I carried this belief system with me into adulthood, for many years.  This type of belief cycle is common for the burnt out helpers and leaders that I work with. They work really hard to prove they’re worthy. They believe that it’d be fair for hard work to pay off in their best interest. They believe that they’ve given of themselves so much, that they don’t deserve to be treated poorly or to have to deal with traumatic or difficult circumstances. They ask, “What did I do to deserve this?” or “Why is this happening to me?” They get stuck in how unfair things seem, and start to believe the unfairness equates to undeserving, so they work harder to try to be more deserving in some way- to get things to be more fair. They live life on overdrive and they’re constantly over-functioning. They look at other people and compare themselves: “It’s not fair, I’ve worked so hard. What did I do to deserve this”?

But, life isn’t fair. Hard work does matter,  but it doesn’t ensure fairness or deserving-ness in the grand scheme of things. Hard things do happen. Traumatic things do happen. Unfairness does happen. None of these facts translate into you or I not being deserving, or not being enough in anyway.

Not long ago, I found “unfairness” thoughts creeping up, similar to when I was younger. I thought things weren’t fair and it bothered me that people did or didn’t deserve what they were or weren’t seemingly getting in their life. I started to feel angry and resentful that I or someone else couldn’t make it fair. I personalized the unfairness and made it about me- my worth, my capabilities, my lack of XYZ. It quickly left me feeling stuck.

Fast forward past a litany of experiences, growth challenges and personal discovery, and I learned a fundamentally important shift that also helps other burnt out ambitious leaders and helpers: it’s not about fair.

I know that can sting, but hear me out. I don’t mean it in a way that discredits your desires, needs or worth. In fact, I say this to amplify the significance of your desires, needs and worth.

You see, as a kid, I believed the statement “Life isn’t fair” was a silencing statement. What I have learned is that it is does not need to be. I chose to re-frame my belief. Life isn’t fair actually highlights our power- it’s about my power; it is about your power.

Allow me to explain.

When you focus on what is not fair, you are indirectly stating that everything is based on deserving-ness. People either get what they deserve or they don’t- that would be fair, right? You and I logically know this isn’t really how life works though. It is not true that people always get what they “deserve”, and if it were true, who here on earth could really make an unbiased decision about that? Of course, it’s natural to want things to be fair and it’s human to try to sort out who deserves what- our legal system is generally based on this model. Our social systems, however, are for another blog post all together, so let’s focus on the general human experience for now.

Think about any good story you’ve read or movie you’ve watched. Hasn’t a really crappy or possibly traumatic event(s) happened to the “good” person in every single one? This is the premise of all Disney movies, isn’t it? It wasn’t about the protagonist living a life of fairness or deserving-ness, it was about how that person learned, moved and grew through the unfair circumstance. They harness their power of choice and inherent worthiness, to overcome the odds and to not let the unfairness dictate their destiny or worth. 

It’s about how we as people chose to view the crappy situation, what meaning we give it, how we choose to show up in the midst of the shit-show, and how we choose to intentionally respond in order to move forward. 

Movies and story-lines are just some examples, but they illustrate my point well. If any of us choose to stay focused on the lack of fairness, our inability to control it all, and then make it mean that we aren’t deserving, then we get burnt out and we stay burnt out. Our actions are less intentional and less powerful. 

Life isn’t fair, and we can’t make it all be fair. Regardless, we are still worthy of love, safety, belonging and purpose. We still can choose to use our voice and harness our power of choice to do what we can, when we can, and SHOW UP! 

So, it’s true that life isn’t fair. Now, however, I know and choose to believe that I didn’t deserve any of the crap that happened throughout my life. The challenges I overcame did not occur because I deserved to deal with the unfair circumstance. The horrible things my clients have navigated in their lives weren’t fair, and they now know that the lack of fairness had nothing to do with their deserving-ness. 

We all do get to claim our power in deciding how to navigate the unfairness, what meaning to give the unfairness, and how we will behave in the midst of the unfairness.

If you decide your enough-ness or deserving-ness based off of the fair or unfair events that have happened in your life, you limit yourself and you limit the power you have inside of you to live fully, to stand in your individuality, and meaningfully share your gifts with the world.

The events that occur outside of you aren’t about your worth. They aren’t about what you do or don’t deserve. Your worth is inherent. You get to choose to believe that you are worthy of love and belonging (because you are), regardless of the unfair circumstance. You get to choose who you are going to be, how you are going to show up, and if and how you are going to learn, grow and move through the unfairness.

You get to decide. You do not have to stay silent. There is so much power in that.

If I kept believing that life should be fair, and that lack of fairness somehow meant I was or wasn’t deserving of something, I would have stayed feeling powerless. I would have stayed feeling like a victim controlled by the uncontrollables. I would have stayed stuck.

I truly believe that every person has gifts and purpose, but not everyone realizes them or harnesses them. What do you choose to believe? Will you harness and use your power?

Life isn’t fair… so what actions will you take? Who will you choose to be? How will you choose to show up? Will you allow yourself to learn and grow? 

If you’d like further support with navigating how you perceive and manage unfairness in your life, and methods to effectively implement healthier habits that will serve you, don’t hesitate to reach out.

For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com

For transformational life coaching: www.drtonicoaches.com

***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.

Anxiety that’s gotten out of control is much like an alarm clock that’s going off when it’s not supposed to. Just like an alarm clock, anxiety is a useful tool. It tells us when to have caution, it wants to help keep us safe. When an alarm clock isn’t functioning properly, we check the batteries and reset it. The same is true when anxiety is working on overdrive. We need to get connected and check-in with our core self and find the reset that works for us.

The mental chatter of anxiety and chronic stress can be filled with all different kinds of reprepetitive, unhelpful judgements and over-generalized deductions, like:

“What if they think I’m annoying?”

“What if they don’t like me?”

“What if everything goes wrong?”

“What if I mess up?”

“What if I can’t do it?”

Again and again and again. 

 

While everyone experiences some level of anxiety at some point, 40 million U.S. adults struggle with anxiety each year. To me, it’s no wonder, considering the on-going levels of chronic stress in our society. Chronic stress has been deemed a public health crisis by the American Psychological Association. Of course people struggle with anxiety at various levels of intensity, and chronic stress is not exactly the same as anxiety, but the two overlap and are both relevant to the over-function that our brains get stuck in, often leaving us feeling the need to defend ourselves… leading to an over-functioning alarm system inside of us.

It’s not just adults that struggle with high levels of anxiety and stress. Our children are struggling with more psychological distress as well and our teen anxiety and suicide rates are both tragically increasing.

Why is this happening?

For starters, it’s important to understand that anxiety itself isn’t bad; neither is stress. The worry we feel, and cautionary messages our brains send, are meant to keep us safe. They are intended to protect us. We have a built in alarm system. It’s a method of survival that all humans have and all humans need. The stress helps motivate us to more forward.

The issue is when the alarm system gets signaled when it’s not really needed.

The other day a family member of mine wasn’t home and their home alarm system went off. They were frustrated because the cops were trying to get in contact with them and the entire immediate family that they had listed as points of contact, were getting called too Their neighbor had called them and told them they checked, and it was a false alarm. A bug tripped the alarm. This wasn’t the first time it had happened, and the family member was far from pleased.

The alarm system was responding to something that was not a true threat; it was frustrating, and it needed to be reset.

This happens with people when their anxiety spikes. They feel out of control and they feel frustrated because, at some level, they know their alarm system is going off at times when it is not necessary- yet they struggle to reset the alarm and stop it from continuing to go off when it’s not really needed.

This is hard to manage in the fast paced world we live in today. At all ages, we are surrounded by technology that makes us think we are connecting, but the more and more we become consumed by it, the more disconnected we become with the tangible world around us. The demands are high, as so many of us are able to be accessed on our phones nearly all of the time. The time of patiently waiting often seems long gone, doesn’t it?

Kids and teens in our society face pressure to appear perfect on social media, while simultaneously figure out how to navigate the criticism from friends and anonymous people alike, often unsupervised- all while developing their sense of self (online and offline)… it’s not the best combination.

The list of pressures goes on and on… academics, extracurriculars, social groups, puberty, etc. 

Adults try to navigate similar pressures in the workforce or in their community. Trying to figure out how to build or maintain an intimate relationship, grow their career, manage parenting while both parents have to work full-time, afford the bills and basic needs, deal with the unexpected, etc.

The list of stress and anxiety contributors won’t be covered at length here, but at this point, hopefully you can see that there is, of course, good reason to experience stress and overwhelm. Stress in overdrive often leads to anxiety and then people get stuck . They stop moving. They stop progressing. Their alarms go off all the time or at unnecessary times, and it throws a wrench into everything!

The reasons why anxiety is on the rise has been studied and postulated by many. I believe that there are many contributors to the increased stress within our society, and I don’t offer a debate about the variety of contributing factors in this article. I do offer two perspective shifts I believe are vital, for those struggling with anxiety or chronic stress.

Perspective is powerful; more powerful than most realize. Typically when I meet someone for the first time, who is struggling with anxiety, they want to rid themselves of it, They view the anxiety as bad or as a deficient part of them. This perspective is limiting, because it prevents us from seeing and honoring the value that worry and fear bring to our lives to keep us safe. We don’t want to get rid of that safety system. We need our alarm clocks.

We do want to be able to reset them though, and so I offer the first perspective shift: “Anxiety and stress are not bad; they are valuable tools.” A healthy amount of anxiety does keep us safe and a healthy amount of stress keeps us motivated to move. Too much anxiety and chronic stress does impact our lives in unhealthy and undesired ways, and it’s important to recognize when anxiety and stress are over-functioning, so that we can address them properly. Those who stay in denial about needing support to manage over-functioning anxiety or chronic stress, will wind up feeling worse- no one can address something that they deny even exists. 

Another common challenge with anxiety and chronic stress, is that people tend to try to either ignore it or fight themselves out of it. This doesn’t work. Therefore, the second perspective shift I offer is to remind yourself that: “Fighting or ignoring anxious or stressful feelings isn’t working for me. I choose to greet them and move on when the time is right.”

Fighting feelings, like anxiousness, can create an internal tug of war and causes more stress and suffering. Ignoring feelings typically causes those avoided feelings to try to get louder or sneak into your life in another way until you’re willing to pay attention. Neither tends to work out well. When anxiety and stress are acknowledged and greeted, we get a better idea of where they are coming from and why. With more clear information, we can choose how to proceed, and then… DO IT! There’s no need to stay focused on the feelings once there’s a better understanding of what they’re trying to tell us, and how we are going to respond to that need.

 

Okay, so why is this happening and what can we do?

This is a loaded question that extends beyond what this one article can cover, but I do offer a brief overview of two areas that definitely need to be focused on, if we as a society would like to reduce the levels of intense anxiety and chronic stress that so many people are struggling with.

I don’t propose that technology or social media are the sole contributors to anxiety nor chronic stress. They are, however, a part of the equation. There are two key factors I will focus on here. 

• First- a lack of moderation for how we choose to use technology and social media on a daily basis. 
• Second- a lack of deep connection with our inside, core self.

Broadly speaking, my first general recommendation for reducing anxiety and chronic stress would be to increase how we moderate our use of technology on a daily basis, as adults and with minors. While there’s nothing wrong with connecting online, efforts need to be made to regularly and intentionally connect in person as well. 

My second general recommendation would be to stop relying on the rest of society to determine our values, worthiness and identity, and instead, turn inwards to connect with our own selves at our core. There, we will discover our own values, worthiness and identity, and allow that to serve as the foundation of where we operate from on a daily basis.

Although simple, neither of these recommendations are easy. If you’d like to learn more so you can enact the change you desire in your own life, you can connect with me here:

For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com

For personal life coaching: www.drtonicoaches.com

***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.