Forgiveness is a sensitive topic for many; but that, to me, symbolizes how powerful and important it is to discuss and better understand.

What I’ve learned about forgiveness over the years has been so profound, so life-changing, that it is impossible to separate from the work that I do as well as how I live my life.

In years passed, forgiveness to me, used to mean that I’d release the other person from the responsibility of what they’d done, so they could more on, and that I would have to also release my feelings about what had been done as well. Moving on, was what forgiveness seemed like it was to me.

Quite frankly, the most painful things, the experiences I told myself I wanted to move on from, those were the things I didn’t even want to forgive. It felt like forgiving the people that hurt me, whether they meant to or not, was like saying that what happened was okay. It felt like forgiving them meant saying that my feelings didn’t matter. It felt like forgiving them, meant that they weren’t going to be held accountable for what they did.

Have you ever felt that way?

In my experience, most people have, and many people still do.

It’s not an uncommon perspective to have about forgiveness.

What I’ve learned, however, is contrary to those beliefs that I used to have.

In fact, what I’ve found, is that holding onto these erroneous beliefs about what forgiveness is, actually creates more stress and more resentment. Often, without even realizing it, it keeps people stuck in a reaction mode that spreads to other parts of their life, even more.

When forgiveness doesn’t happen, the residual emotions, the pain from the experience, they not only linger, but they grow- they thrive. Feelings of shame, anger, fear and resentment grow bigger and bigger, seeping into other relationships, becoming a go-to emotional response, even when it’s not necessary.

We aren’t meant to be angry, fearful, shameful and resentful beings all of the time, so when those emotional experiences are given the space to thrive, no one can help but feel distant. Disconnected.

That’s what happened to me, and that’s what I see happen with so many people I’ve helped over the years.

What they, and former me, didn’t realize, is that forgiveness isn’t about the other person. Forgiveness isn’t about removal of accountability. Forgiveness does not negate a very valid emotional experience during a painful time.

No.
Forgiveness, is you giving you permission to be free.

To be free from thinking you need to hold onto the anger.
To be free from believing that their behavior dictates your value or who you are.
To be free to simply show up as who you are, without shame, without something to prove.

Forgiveness is not an excuse for boundary violations or wrong-doings towards you.
Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook; it’s not about the other person.

You see, the lack of forgiveness is usually, “I’m going to hold onto the pain of this experience for as long as I can, so you can see how much you’ve hurt me”.

When you hold onto the pain of the experience, YOU are the one in pain. You are the one re-experiencing and feeding the hurtful feelings inside of you. YOU are the one who is exerting energy as a result of these internal experiences that YOU have to deal with.

When you show up to spite the other person or to make them see the pain they’ve caused you, YOU are the one who winds up behaving in a way that feels incongruent with who you are. It hurts YOU.

What I learned is that when I forgive, it gives me permission to really, truly, be me, despite others’ behavior. This means that I can more clearly learn from the interaction, and put my boundaries down accordingly. This means that I can now more effectively communicate my needs, why a behavior is not okay, and how it impacts me. It means I feel no shame or doubt, if I need to walk away, say no, or stand my ground.

Forgiveness is emotional freedom.

You have to forgive, if you want to live a more deeply connected life.

I won’t say the shift to viewing forgiveness in this way is easy, but it is incredibly powerful, and it is very much worth it.

The path to and through forgiveness looks different for everyone. Be kind, compassionate and patient with yourself, wherever you’re at on your journey.

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.
For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com
For transformational life coaching: drtonicoachesllc.vipmembervault.com
***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com

A common occurrence for the impact makers and leaders I support, is an overwhelmed, cluttered mind. Managing the clutter and overwhelm of the highly active mind, is frustrating and can be paralyzing for many.

This cluttered and overwhelmed mind is an experience I lived many years with. I thought if I could just find the “right” thing, or if I just accomplished everything I “should”, then I’d no longer have to deal with any of this. That was not the case.

After research and trial and error, I discovered and implemented shifts that helped me calm the mind clutter, and experience more balance and clarity. 

I reframed my beliefs about mind clutter. Instead of thinking it was bad or wrong, I just accepted that it was a sign of falling off balance, which gave me the information I needed to choose to get back into balance. It was data collection instead of some bad thing riddled with self-shame.

I now rarely experience a cluttered mind. However, if I do, I now practice these five steps to reorient back to the present and calm my mind clutter. I’ve decided to share these steps with you, so you can benefit too!

A recounting of my last cluttered mind experience and how to apply the 5 steps.

The other week, I woke up with a filled, overactive, cluttered mind. It was filled with so many thoughts that I couldn’t sort out exactly what I was thinking or why. I tried to lean into my emotions, but all that came up was disarray. It was difficult to narrow down exactly how I was feeling because I was struggling to narrow down exactly what I was thinking.

I’d learned how to manage my thoughts and feelings in a way that felt balanced, effective and healthy for me, so I hadn’t woken up like this, or even felt this way in general, for a very long time. I noticed what I was physiologically experiencing first. My head and shoulders were super tight. I intentionally dropped them down a bit to physically relax them.

All this tightness and mind clutter was a sign to me that it was time to do an internal self-assessment. 

I tried to slow down and backtrack my past week, to determine what had changed. I found it difficult to sit or stand still long enough to slow down the way I typically would, so I chose a mindless task to keep my hands busy as I listened to an inspirational speech from someone I enjoy listening to. The speech was generally on the topic of personal development and self-care, so this was not a means of distracting myself, rather, it was a means of intentionally centering myself. 

Fairly quickly, I felt myself tap into the words of the speaker, draw them into my experience, and my mind began to slow. 

You see, I used to try to jump from 0 to 100 all.of.the.time. 

I used to get angry about having a cluttered mind. I’d try to control it. I’d fight myself about it. I’d shame myself for it, and all of this would just lead to more frustration disconnect, clutter, and overwhelm to the point where I’d just suppress the experience…trying to avoid it as best I could while hustling on “getting things done”.

That way didn’t work out well.

I’d want to jump from an angry state, right into a calm state. Or move from an overwhelmed state immediately into a productive joyful state… but it doesn’t work like that. 

You have to shift from one state to the other one step at a time, moment by moment. Just as you can’t get over a mountain in one large leap, you can’t leap from one unwanted state to an intensely desireable state, all in one swift motion. Trying to do so will leave you feeling worse.

I had relaxed my physical body and engaged in tasks that didn’t require a bunch of cognitive thought processing. These initial steps were enough to help me be able to now slow down and check in with me; it was now time for me to do my self assessment. 

I backtracked through the past week. I realized that since I had gotten sick the prior week, I had fallen off of my routine. I wasn’t regularly tending to the self-care I had embedded into my lifestyle, and as a result, I was not recognizing or communicating my needs in a way that was helpful or aligned with me.

This was good information for me to have. Although former versions of me would have beat myself up for this awareness of “fault”, I’ve learned that this is not helpful or necessary. In fact, that level of critical self-scrutiny is counterproductive and keeps people stuck. So, I used this information to formulate my “move back into alignment” plan.

I recognized what had gotten off track; what was not working for me. I decided where I wanted to be instead, which, for me, is quite often a state of gratitude. For me, nothing beats a deeply connected state of pure gratefulness for all that I am, all that I have, and all that is yet to come.

Using journaling, I countered the overwhelm by writing out what feels good to me. I wrote out what I recognized was “off”, and because I’ve been doing this inner work for quite some time, I was able to sort out what was underlying the “offness”.  I intentionally switched the “shoulds” that I sorted out were overwhelming me and creating unnecessary mind clutter. I replaced the “shoulds” with what I intentionally chose to focus on, and I got clear on why I’d chosen to focus in on that alternative.

I started to experience a palpable shift, both emotionally and mentally. I allowed myself to share my appreciation for this movement. 

With the information I’d gathered, my more relaxed state and my increased clarity, I was able to create a practical few steps to get me back onto track with my regular self-care embedded lifestyle that I had fallen off of the past week. 

This is a process you can choose to follow yourself, if you’d like. I’ve written up the steps for you below.

 

Five Steps to Calm the Mind Clutter:

Step 1: Intentionally slow down and move inward.

Step 2: Mindfully Focus on Mindless Task

Step 3: Take a self assessment. “Where am I at (i.e. frustrated) and where do I want to be (i.e. a state of gratitude)?” (IMPORTANT this is NOT about “what conditions can I control or manipulate! Don’t focus on what you can’t control)

Step 4: Give yourself Permission to Shift to the Desired Emotional Space (ex. gratitude).

Step 5: Create & Follow A Plan the Feels Good; Reserve your right to grow.

Depending on where you’re at in your life journey, you may find that walking through these steps is difficult to do alone. If that’s the case, I highly recommend connecting with a qualified mentor, caring expert coach, or attuned psychotherapist, to be a support for and with you along your journey.

Wishing you wellness,

Dr. Toni

 

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.

For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com

For transformational life coaching: drtonicoachesllc.vipmembervault.com

***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com

Silently says to self…

“UGH!”
“Why can’t I ever catch a break!”
“This is stressful!”
“Why is there always so much to do, it’s so overwhelming!”
“Crap, what if I mess it up?!”
“I have to get this right!”
“Is there something wrong with me?”

We have anywhere from 50,000 to 80,000 thoughts per day, and MY OH MY do these thoughts know how to influence how we experience life.

Like: how we interact with friends, intimacy with a partner, how we perceive our boss and treat colleagues or strangers.

More than anything and anyone else though, your thoughts impact you. They impact how you view your worth, your success, your failures, your strengths and your weaknesses. They directly impact how you feel… and when there are thousands of thoughts passing through your mind like the ones opening this article, it’s hard not to feel stressed out and worried.

Right?

Often times, people feel out of control of their thoughts. With the more recent mindfulness movement, there is a lot of talk about “controlling” our thoughts. The twist with the logic of controlling one’s thoughts to feel better, is that trying to control all of your thoughts will, without a doubt, create a tug of war in your mind and lead you to feel worse.

I love mindfulness; I practice it daily. However, mindfulness is not about controlling all of your thoughts. Mindfulness is about acceptance and intentional focus of attention.

Too many people get wrapped up in trying to control their thoughts, and they wind up coming to me with even more worry, resentment, stress and anxiety.

There’s no shame in this attempt to control. I, for sure, have done the same thing before! The thing is, these attempts to control are amassing in our world, and it’s all adding to our stress, our worries, our overwhelm…

Have you noticed?

We are raised in a society where outcomes are cherished more than the journey, where (impossible) perfection is strived for at the expense of perseverance being rewarded, where standardization is used as a measurement for inappropriate standards, where immediate gratification has nullified patience, and where facades of ourselves are plastered for the world to see on social media, as our avatar-selves interact while our human anxieties and loneliness grows on the other side of the screen.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some beautiful upsides to social media. For example, as I’ve grown my coaching business in the online realm, I’ve developed amazing friendships with people from other countries, that I would not have gotten a chance to know otherwise. However, even those I’ve met in other countries are faced with the challenge of presenting oneself online, while struggling emotionally, feeling overly stressed and fearing failure.

We are all more stressed, more worried, more overwhelmed and more burnt out…

What is both interesting and startling, is that approximately 85% of what we spend our time and energy worrying about, does not actually happen.

Let that sink in a moment.

Consider the time, effort and energy you’ve spent worrying, even just within the past week. Consider the amount of money you spent trying to numb that worry, with food, drinks, distractions, etc… only to have the worry come back compounded.

What about what happens when the worries get compounded?

Typically, self-doubt, the inner critic, resentment, procrastination and disconnect all get amped up. Opportunities for joy and feel good moments get missed because people get too preoccupied with being stuck in their heads, rather than living in their lives.

This is especially true for the deeply caring, ambitious folks.

All too often they convince themselves that they have to check all the conventional checkboxes off, in order to actually be the non-selfish, successful, competent, strong person they pride themselves on appearing to be. I know I’ve done it myself.

There’s this belief that if we just achieve all of the “shoulds” and do everything as perfectly as possible, working our buttsoff no matter what… that the stress will eventually go away, the need to achieve will dissipate, and one magical day we’d be successful, happy and stop having to work so hard all the damn time.

The truth is that this is NOT how it works.

Focusing on checking off all the conventional checkboxes, trying to present yourself perfectly, or constantly hustling- it just puts you (like it put me) and countless others, in a position to stress more. There will always be something more to do, and that constant stress keeps people worrying about that 85% of the stuff that never actually happens in our lives.

Overwhelm turns into over-judge:
Over judging yourself.
Feeling over-judged by others.
Over-judging others…

And then feeling really crappy about all the over-judging that’s going on, perpetuating a cycle of continued worry, shame and resentment.

As uncomfortable as it is to live in this high pressure, constant worry environment, there is fear about NOT living in it too!

There is fear about “being different” by stepping away from the focus on checking off the “success” checkboxes.

There is fear about being rejected or judged.
There is fear about failing.
There is fear about deciding to do it and than having to find an expert that’s actually trust-worthy and effective.
There is fear about committing time, effort and money into the intangibles that are so often avoided, like your mental, emotional and relational wellness… since by and large our society values the tangible with such high regard.

These fears can keep people paralyzed, even when the truth is that they’re spending more time, effort and money trying to silence or avoid the worry, stress and overwhelm, than the amount of time, effort and money it would cost to actually address the chronic stress head on.

I used to be in that boat.

I would buy comfort food, coffee or movies to try to avoid experiencing or dealing with the ick-feelings.

I’d invest large sums of money in more credentials, professional development, and further degrees, to ease the “not good enough”, “imposter syndrome”, “something to prove” types of thoughts.

While I don’t regret my decisions, because I’ve learned so much from my life experiences, the reality is that buying into the conventional “shoulds” of “success”, despite my not feeling aligned with them, had pervasively impacted every.single.aspect.of.my.life.

My worries grew…

…And this is what I’ve seen happening with so many others as well.

So what do you do about it, you ask?

I largely teach the opposite of what conventional wisdom often has us believe; the contrary of how many people in our society tend to be raised.

I’ve created a graphic for you

The key is to practice what brings joy rather than what enhances stress, without beating yourself up when you notice old habits wanting to creep in.

I know these aren’t easy shifts to make, but it’s very possible and it’s necessary in order to more fully enjoy a life not consumed by worry, stress and doubt.

Instead of trying to figure out who you “should” be, explore and claim your authentic self.

You absolutely can be aware of conditions and experience your emotions, without obsessing over them or being enveloped by them. You’ve likely developed habits that support an enhanced stress lifestyle; that’s okay. It just means you need to create different habits.

If you’ve already tried making these shifts on your own and it has not worked, that just means you’ll benefit from expert guidance and quality support to compassionately guide you from your current lifestyle to a more joyful and balanced one.

If you’re living in chronic stress, worry or overwhelm, therapy or wellness coaching may be the support you need to help you shift to more enjoyment and wellness in life.

Wishing you wellness,

Dr. Toni

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.

For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com
For transformational life coaching: drtonicoachesllc.vipmembervault.com

***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com.

I want to bring to your attention today, the one ingredient for the secret sauce to loving life that everyone wants, and so many search for, not realizing they had access to it all along. It’s something we all too often struggle with and IT.AFFECTS. EVERYTHING.

Think of this ingredient as a kind of power.

It’s a power we all have, that we all want and we all so easily lose on the search to find it- even though it’s always been accessible…

We yearn for it and feel empty without it.

It’s simple, but every chance we get, we tend to over complicate it.

The lack of it and the deep wanting for it, is what keeps you stuck.

So you try to control as much as you can to make it happen.

It’s beautiful.

It’s natural.

It feels good.

It feels terrifying.

It’s at the center of love and without it, hate finds fertile ground to grow.

It doesn’t actually need to be forced, yet we try to force and finagle it all of the time.

It’s what keeps us feeling alive, so much so that without it, we die.

I guarantee that every single one of you wants more of it- not necessarily in quantity but in quality, for sure.

The lack of it, is the reason why you feel sad, angry, lonely, resentful… with colleagues or staff or your partner or your kids or your siblings or your parents or yourself, etc…

You may think this thing is communication, but it’s not. Communication matters only so you can access this thing that we all want and need.

You may think it’s love, but it’s not. Without this power, love wouldn’t even exist in the same way.

This ingredient is among the most basic of human needs, and is often among the most forgotten, neglected and misused.

This power, this ingredient is connection.

You’re overwhelmed because the quality of connection you have with yourself is, at the very least, strained, and for some, nearly cut off.

You feel angry or resentful because you desire a different type of connection than what you’re experiencing.

You feel sad or alone because you are longing for a type of meaningful connection that you’re either not experiencing, are worried you may lose, or fear may not exist for you.

You get stuck in your head because that internal connection doesn’t feel strong enough, or reliable enough, or safe enough, to lean on and trust.

You feel happy when you’re experiencing a meaningful connection or anticipate experiencing a meaningful connection happening.

You feel joyful when you are meaningfully connected with you- reliably, safely, securely connected with you.

So what do I mean by connecting with you?

I mean knowing and being open to continue to get to know yourself- flaws, strengths and all the in between. Loving yourself compassionately regardless of imperfection.

I mean being your own best friend and standing tall in who you authentically are, so much so, that you don’t doubt your worthiness, your gifts or your value. I mean believing you’re intrinsically worthy of love, safety and belonging without having it mean someone or something else is less than. 

I mean being able to forgive yourself, to be vulnerable and to take risks so you can meaningfully connect with others.

I mean experiencing your emotions instead of running from them.

I mean attuning to your body, mind and spirit when it’s telling you it needs respite, love and care, instead of hustling so hard  that you disregard your own needs, desires and boundaries.

I mean lovingly and excitedly choosing to invest time, money and energy in caring for your health and wellness, instead of relentlessly spending it all on the “to do’s” or placing money and the means to make or hoard it, as a justification for not getting more meaningfully connected in your life.

I mean getting real about why anything really matters to you, and acknowledging, without shame, that it’s because of a deep desire to genuinely and meaningfully feel connected to yourself and to others.

That is what I mean by being meaningfully connected with you first… and that is what I whole-heartedly believe you all, we all, want.

How do you use your power?

Are you deeply and meaningfully connected to you?

What’s your relationship like with yourself?

Whatever it is, it will show up like a mirror in your relationships.

If you know you are committed to getting more connected with you, so you can get more connected in your life, now is the time to take action. Here’s a free tool I created to help you give yourself a reality check and self assess what is and is not working in your life right now… you’ll now notice and know that connection impacts all of it.

Here is the link for your self assessed wellness check up: http://bit.ly/yourwellnesscheckup

For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com

For transformational life coaching: drtonicoachesllc.vipmembervault.com

***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.