Therapy Blog | Authentically Me Psychotherapy

April 28, 2020 by Dr. Toni Warner Leave a Comment

Is How I’m Feeling Right or Wrong?

People are feeling different ways right now, and they are comparing it to how other people are feeling.

I’ve spoken to numerous people lately. Some people feel uncertain yet steady- strong in faith that they will come through this experience okay. Some feel grateful, as they’ve experienced a natural pause for reflection upon their priorities and values. Some feel fearful after having lost their income without a clear understanding of when that will change. Others feel consumed by anxiety; they’re worried about the magnitude of the global impact and feel powerless about what they can do to make everything better.

These are just some general experiences people have, but there are many more who feel some other variation of the above, or ebb and flow from one to another.

Isn’t it easy to compare how you’re feeling to what you see and hear others are experiencing? As you’re listening to the news media, talking to friends and family, or scrolling down the social media feeds, there is plenty of opportunity for comparison. However, this constant comparison, mixed with the uncertainty of “when will this shutdown shift?”, leaves many people wondering- Is how I’m feeling right or wrong?

While global shifts related to COVID-19 continue to unfold, impacting society as a whole, we each have our own individual experiences and personal situations going on as well. At a personal level though, we are being impacted in different ways and waves.

Is it wrong that I still feel overwhelmed?

Is it wrong that I feel grateful?

Is it wrong that I actually feel relieved?

Is it wrong that I feel angry?

Should I feel worse?

Should I feel better by now?

Should I feel more thankful?

Is there global impact, yes. Does that nullify individual experiences and perceptions, no.

Between online meetings, kid’s schooling, house updates, house maintenance and trying to stay connected with friends and family- many people are feeling as busy as ever.

Conversely, many others are experiencing major slow downs with work, have a fairly quiet residence, and are wondering what to do with this new found “free time”.

There are yet others who are living in unsafe home environments, or have no stable home at all. They may be wondering what to do, if and how to do it, or if they’ll be able to make it through this.

As a collective, we are all in this global pandemic experience together; but, we are not all in our own unique circumstances, homes, or internal emotional waters together.

We are all living different lives. We have all had different life experiences that have led us to today. We have different families, different jobs, different homes, different supports, different trauma histories, etc.

Comparing how you are feeling at any given time to how someone else says they are feeling, or how someone else says you “should” be feeling, is not an apples to apples comparison.

So, is how you are feeling the right way or the wrong way?

The answer is- neither.

There is no right or wrong way to feel right now.

While others may share in feeling a similar emotion or having a perception similar to yours, your particular combination of experience, emotion and perception is unique to you. That is not a bad or wrong thing- it is a beautiful part of what it means to be an individual within an ever-evolving, inter-connected system. The best way to support yourself, whether you want to change or enhance your current emotional state, is with a willingness to accept how you’re feeling without judgement.

For simplicity sake, I’ll offer an analogy.

My kids and I have been taking walks regularly, even on some of the rainy days. If they are complaining about the weather, or resisting going for a walk- it feels like a hassle and is not very enjoyable. However when we aren’t complaining about the rain, wishing we could change it (even though we can’t), or trying to hold something up to prevent us from getting an ounce of wetness on us… it feels liberating.

It’s liberating to accept the rain for what it is- a part of the experience and process of nature. Instead of fighting against it or focusing on not liking it, we accept it. No energy is directed towards controlling it when we know we can’t. There is no resistance.

It takes less effort and makes the experience feel better.

Seriously, if you can, I encourage you to give it a try.

I’m not saying to accept any issues in the world as they are, and to not attempt to be a part of resolution or improvement.

I am saying that your emotional experience about what is happening in your life and how it is unfolding now, is uniquely personal. Feeling is a part of the human experience, and all of the variety of emotions are natural parts of human processing. The more you fight it or judge it, the more effort gets put towards trying to control something you can’t control.

Doesn’t it feel less stressful to embrace the feeling you’re having and less energy-draining not to judge it?

However you are feeling right now, I’d encourage you to take notice of it. Allow it be acknowledged without judgement, and then take your next steps from there.

One moment at a time; one day at a time.

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a mother of three, a transformational life & wellness coach for busy professionals seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. She’s been in the helping professions field for over a decade.

Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching, educating and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact meaningful change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers create work, life & relationship balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing their lives and the lives of others.

Dr. Toni is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.

Therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com

Life & Wellness coaching for the busy professional: http://bit.ly/drtonicoaches

Stress less resource for busy working moms: https://bit.ly/stressless_busymoms

***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com

March 25, 2020 by Dr. Toni Warner Leave a Comment

How do I Stay Grounded During Pandemic Mayheim?

I’m going to start this off with a fairly loaded question: What is the purpose of life?

Okay, so it’s a really loaded question, we won’t go into the details of that philosophical rabbit hole today. I ask this question because in the midst of global uncertainty, chaos and crisis, this can get lost.

Of course it makes sense that this isn’t the focus, because safety is a basic human need and we are all wired to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Since safety is in question for so many humans as a result of the virus, fear of not being safe is the overwhelming focus. However, we are also wired for connection, and have an uncanny ability to adapt in various circumstances.

In a nutshell, to me, the purpose of life is to connect and create, so we can learn, grow and expand, in order to enhance our own lives and the lives of others, through our shared experiences.

If you’re willing to entertain that summation for a moment, then perhaps we can agree that during uncertain times, like the current COVID pandemic, it’s important to remember a few things.

Far too often, caring people confuse putting others needs first, as the best and only way to help. They believe it is selfish, and therefore bad, to care for themselves first. I wrote an article about selfishness here, if you’d like to check it out: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/selfish-bad-dont-dr-toni-warner.

Caring for yourself can be interpreted as selfish, but it certainly is not bad. We all are so much better equipped to help one another when we tend to our own needs first. For example, don’t you want the healthy, rested and nourished doctor to be the one treating you, as opposed to one who has not gotten ample rest or nourishment and whose mind is distracted from stress?

On the flip side, in situations like the pandemic that we are in now, some people mistake needing to care for themselves as being in opposition to caring for others; as if they can only care for themselves, and not spare the possible expense associated with caring for others. This is not the case. There are things you can do to care for yourself, not put yourself in harms way, and still extend a hand to help someone else in need (like writing or sharing a helpful blog article).

In either of the above extreme’s, connection is lost. In the first extreme, connection to your own needs is lost and in the second extreme, connection to others is lost. It becomes easy to forget, that although our individual circumstances may all be unique, we are all in this world together.

So what to do in these kinds of situations?

You can choose to be aware of the circumstances, without being consumed by them. Here are a few tips to do just that:

Take in the necessary information that you need to stay safe and help others, as you’re able. Then, move forward with your day. Don’t over-consume the un-ending media coverage throughout your entire day.
To prevent over-consumption and overwhelm, create a schedule for you day. Include things you need to get done and things you enjoy, so that you are feeling both productive and fueled. Referencing your schedule will help you from accidentally gravitating back into over-consumption of the news media.
Remind yourself that you are safe, in this moment. A focus on the uncertainty is sure to breed more fear and stress. You are safe in this moment, and that is worth taking stock of in situations like these.
Be compassionate with yourself and others. Choose only to spread encouragement and kindness right now. Harping on people in your household or on social media, will only amp up frustrations and lead you to feel more out of control. Practice compassion.

Lastly, remember, we are all interconnected. We don’t understand everything that is happening right now and we can’t control it all, and that is okay. We can and we will move through this time as a nation. Be selective about what energy you surround yourself with- be it media, people in your household, other virtual connections or entertainment on a screen. Choose what feels good and safe. Choose to walk away when you need to.

Do the best you can. That’s all any of us can do at any point in time, pandemic or not.

With love & warmth,

Dr. Toni

For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com

For transformational life coaching: http://bit.ly/drtonicoaches

March 16, 2020 by Dr. Toni Warner Leave a Comment

Quick Top Tips for Parenting While Working at Home During the COVID-19 Outbreak

I had a very different article originally planned to share with you this week, in honor of my series for working mom’s balancing life & parenthood, during March and April.

As life would have it, things have changed, fairly swiftly, and thus my intended message to share with you has changed for today as well.

Life is fickle in that way, isn’t it? It requires a kind of stable flexibility, or flexible stability, to really feel like you can make your way through things without getting whipped around too much.

As important as it was to me to consistently connect with you and share what I believe will be relevant and helpful, it’s just as important for me to be willing to flexibly shift my message, when I believe it will serve you better at a given time.

During this COVID-19 outbreak, there has been a lot of fear, uncertainty, anxiety and confusion. There’s been a lot of talk about what people should do and what they shouldn’t.

When times like this arise, fear can kick into overdrive, and it can become hard to know what to do. Things can easily feel overwhelming and panic can set in.

Humans don’t function optimally when panicking. It is not helpful to our minds, our bodies or our relationships.

When anxiety and fear are steering the ship, things tend to feel heavier, more chaotic and more stressful. It can feel impossible to get through challenges, transitions and uncertainties when the only lens we are looking out off is one of fear and overwhelm. It’s hard to make clear-headed decisions in this state, and that makes it harder to navigate the day.

These overwhelming feelings can feel amplified when you’re trying to figure out how to effectively work from home, and appropriately parent your children in the house too. If we all want to maneuver through these times as best as we are able, it’s essential that we choose to tap into tools that help us stay grounded, especially as parents.

As a working mom myself, I know the delicate balance required when working and parenting. It requires that same kind of stable yet flexible handling that I mentioned before.

What a stable yet flexible household looks like for one person, may be very different from another’s. So, rather than go into details about how to structure your day, I wanted to offer two tips that will help you to start your day off centered.

By starting your day off anchored in a more hopeful or peaceful state, you’ll feel better equipped to move through your day in whatever stable yet flexible way works for you. You’ll be better able to demonstrate to your kids how to navigate stressful times without losing yourself. You’ll create more opportunity to experience a clearer-mind, so that you’ll feel more focused and productive while working.

Top tip #1

Set aside time for yourself each morning.

Whether it’s 5, 10, 20 minutes or more. It’s important to intentionally start your day off with a moment for yourself. Use this time to turn inward and connect with yourself. For some people, this may mean waking up earlier. For others, it may mean closing a bathroom door, or putting work to the side for a few minutes longer. Regardless of what shifts you may make, the benefits of having a few moments to yourself, for yourself, in the morning, are undeniable.

The mornings can be stressful for many parents. Schedules may be off, leading to disarray. You may try to sleep in and get woken up by the kids. Perhaps you’ve been trying to get work done before the rest of the house wakes up, and eventually get hastily interrupted. Starting your morning rushed or crowded will ripple effect throughout your day. Choosing to set aside time specifically for connecting with yourself and harnessing an emotion that feels-good to you, may sound simple, but it’s powerful.

What you choose to do during this time, is up to you. The critical piece is that it’s something that feels good to you and isn’t focused on getting anything externally completed- like work or breakfast. It’s a “you time”. It’s a time to allow yourself to decompress without other demands pulling you every which way.

Focus in on engaging with something that brings you to an internal sense of peace, joy or hope. Some ideas are: reflecting on what you’re thankful for, prayer or meditation, yoga, read an inspirational book, put headphones on and dance, sip tea while watching nature through the window, or write.

Once you’ve completed top tip one, you can hop over to top tip two.

Top tip #2

Be clear about what’s in your control and what’s not.

Anxiety, fear and panic thrive when it seems things are out of control. So, rather than focus on all that’s not within your control, like schools shutting down, clarify what is within your control.

Write it down. There’s no need to create an extensive list. You can write down whatever is on your mind, or what you know is on your children’s minds. Sort it into two columns. Three things per column is plenty. One column is what you can directly control today, and one column is what may be on your mind, but can’t be controlled by you. Fold the page in half so that you can only see one column at a time.

Turn the paper to the side of what is within your control for the day. Anytime you notice your mind focusing on what you can’t control, remind yourself that you can’t focus on both sides of that paper at the same time, without splitting your focus. Bring yourself back to that emotion that you grounded yourself in, for tip one. Breathe.

This is a good, quick activity, that you can use by yourself or with your kids. If at any point anxiety feels like it’s spiking, you can look at your list to remind yourself which you are choosing to focus on at any given moment. Whether you are focusing on what you can control or what you can’t, it makes a big difference.

Let me know how these tips work for you.

For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com

For transformational life coaching: http://bit.ly/drtonicoaches

January 14, 2020 by Dr. Toni Warner Leave a Comment

Do I Have to Forgive to Live?

Forgiveness is a sensitive topic for many; but that, to me, symbolizes how powerful and important it is to discuss and better understand.

What I’ve learned about forgiveness over the years has been so profound, so life-changing, that it is impossible to separate from the work that I do as well as how I live my life.

In years passed, forgiveness to me, used to mean that I’d release the other person from the responsibility of what they’d done, so they could more on, and that I would have to also release my feelings about what had been done as well. Moving on, was what forgiveness seemed like it was to me.

Quite frankly, the most painful things, the experiences I told myself I wanted to move on from, those were the things I didn’t even want to forgive. It felt like forgiving the people that hurt me, whether they meant to or not, was like saying that what happened was okay. It felt like forgiving them meant saying that my feelings didn’t matter. It felt like forgiving them, meant that they weren’t going to be held accountable for what they did.

Have you ever felt that way?

In my experience, most people have, and many people still do.

It’s not an uncommon perspective to have about forgiveness.

What I’ve learned, however, is contrary to those beliefs that I used to have.

In fact, what I’ve found, is that holding onto these erroneous beliefs about what forgiveness is, actually creates more stress and more resentment. Often, without even realizing it, it keeps people stuck in a reaction mode that spreads to other parts of their life, even more.

When forgiveness doesn’t happen, the residual emotions, the pain from the experience, they not only linger, but they grow- they thrive. Feelings of shame, anger, fear and resentment grow bigger and bigger, seeping into other relationships, becoming a go-to emotional response, even when it’s not necessary.

We aren’t meant to be angry, fearful, shameful and resentful beings all of the time, so when those emotional experiences are given the space to thrive, no one can help but feel distant. Disconnected.

That’s what happened to me, and that’s what I see happen with so many people I’ve helped over the years.

What they, and former me, didn’t realize, is that forgiveness isn’t about the other person. Forgiveness isn’t about removal of accountability. Forgiveness does not negate a very valid emotional experience during a painful time.

No.
Forgiveness, is you giving you permission to be free.

To be free from thinking you need to hold onto the anger.
To be free from believing that their behavior dictates your value or who you are.
To be free to simply show up as who you are, without shame, without something to prove.

Forgiveness is not an excuse for boundary violations or wrong-doings towards you.
Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook; it’s not about the other person.

You see, the lack of forgiveness is usually, “I’m going to hold onto the pain of this experience for as long as I can, so you can see how much you’ve hurt me”.

When you hold onto the pain of the experience, YOU are the one in pain. You are the one re-experiencing and feeding the hurtful feelings inside of you. YOU are the one who is exerting energy as a result of these internal experiences that YOU have to deal with.

When you show up to spite the other person or to make them see the pain they’ve caused you, YOU are the one who winds up behaving in a way that feels incongruent with who you are. It hurts YOU.

What I learned is that when I forgive, it gives me permission to really, truly, be me, despite others’ behavior. This means that I can more clearly learn from the interaction, and put my boundaries down accordingly. This means that I can now more effectively communicate my needs, why a behavior is not okay, and how it impacts me. It means I feel no shame or doubt, if I need to walk away, say no, or stand my ground.

Forgiveness is emotional freedom.

You have to forgive, if you want to live a more deeply connected life.

I won’t say the shift to viewing forgiveness in this way is easy, but it is incredibly powerful, and it is very much worth it.

The path to and through forgiveness looks different for everyone. Be kind, compassionate and patient with yourself, wherever you’re at on your journey.

Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.
For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com
For transformational life coaching: drtonicoachesllc.vipmembervault.com
***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com