Logically you know.
Yet, emotionally you are tirelessly cycling.
Mentally you are overwhelmed.
Circumstantially you are challenged.
You’re stuck.
I’ve lost count of how many people over the years, myself included, who’ve said that they’re stuck. The stress of life has created a stuckness from which they can’t seem to escape. Like quicksand, the more they try, the deeper they sink and the more stuck they feel.
It’s frustrating isn’t it- that stuck feeling? Often times you know what needs to happen logically, but you just can’t seem to get it in place, to make it work,to make it stick, to force the switch…
Other times you’ve been fighting with the quick sand for so long that all that’s left is the self-preserving fight or flight response. Logic has flown so far out the window that you are at a loss for what’s logical too.
Stuckness happens when your circumstance is given the power to dictate your levels of happiness, measure your self worth, and judge your success.
These outside variables (your circumstances) aren’t meant to actually do these things though. They don’t inherently have the power to dictate your happiness, to determine your levels of success, or to be the barometer of your self worth. And, yet, your circumstances have become those determining things.
How? Well, this happens because you believe it. Once you buy into the messages that this is all true, you believe it and so it becomes your reality. It becomes your reality because it’s the lens you’re looking through as you perceive what’s happening. That lens affects how you then make meaning out of what you’re seeing, doing, and being.
At some point, you decided to afford your circumstances power to dictate your happiness, measure your worth and determine your success. When that happened, you also allowed others judgements of your circumstances to be an indicator and determining factor of your happiness, worth and success.
As an ambitious minority and female, I always had high aspirations. My goals were never limited to just work, just home, just financial or just anything really. Nope. I was going to break the mold and excel in it all! To me, my measurable goal achievements in all of these areas were what would determine my happiness, my worth and my level of success. What happened was that once I achieved nearly all of my lofty goals in life, I was faced with an unfulfilled emptiness and confusion. I wasn’t happier. I didn’t feel my self worth was increased because of my goal accomplishments. I didn’t feel successful.
This happened because, somewhere along my journey (which for me was during my childhood), I chose to believe that my happiness, worth and success weren’t inherent. They weren’t things that I could determine. Rather, others needed to determine them for me, so I would know I’m loved and accepted by them. Clearly others would need to determine these things by something they could see- like my external accomplishments.
I bought into unhelpful thoughts like “Work harder. Give more. Then you’ll be accepted. Then you’ll be good enough” were accurate. These thoughts had me believe that others judgements determined my worth and success which of course controls my happiness, right?
These thoughts did not serve me.
I gave my power away without even realizing it.
So I felt powerless.
I grabbed for my power back, but it didn’t work because I was still looking outside instead of in.
Stuckness happens when you look to the outside stuff to fulfill the inside stuff.
To get unstuck, that has to be switched. You have to look inside.
You may logically know lots of things.
Yet, you need to check in with your feelings.
Focus on the thoughts that serve you.
Allow circumstances to be circumstances- not your judge and jury.
Then, you yourself can choose happiness, accept and believe in your own worth, and define your own success.
You can get unstuck!
If you’d like further support with navigating how to get unstuck and effectively implement habits that will serve you, connect with Dr. Toni using any of the below:
For therapy in PA: www.authenticallymepsychotherapy.com
For transformational life coaching: www.drtonicoaches.com
***Please note that coaching and therapy are not one in the same; they are separate services and the above mentioned are separate business entities. If you are unsure which service best fits your needs, simply reach out and ask: mail@authenticallymepsychotherapy.com or hello@drtonicoaches.com
Dr. Toni Warner, LCSW, MSW, MeD, is a transformational life & wellness coach for the ambitious seeking balance and a licensed psychotherapist in Pennsylvania. Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact positive change in the world by helping heart-centered impact makers and leaders to create balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing the lives of others. She is also the founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, LLC, where she supports high achieving and creative individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression, burn out and disconnection, to get in touch with their core selves so they can live more fully and authentically aligned lives.
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